Honestly, I haven't looked at this blog in months. I had forgotten the impassioned piece I wrote last on facing fears and swallowing doubt. It was bullshit. I failed, or rather, I fell farther, drowning as my suffering waited for me to realize I couldn't white knuckle it on my own to get out alive. I had to go deeper, sink further to the darkest place I've ever been. I got very ill. My body crashed. My mind shut down. I found myself once more bedridden with mysterious illness, no immune system and searing pain all over my body. Blinding headaches, limbs falling numb or crackling with pain, my bladder trying to escape my body, my stomach eating itself, my skin on fire, yo-yoing weight while barely being able to eat a thing, my brain a mushy abyss of confusion, depression, mania and paranoia. After these decades of taping myself back together, self-medicating, living in denial and barreling on, I found it. Rock bottom. I couldn't care for my child. I couldn't do a bare minimum of care for myself. I stopped being a person; I was only pain and pain and pain. I basically lived at urgent care for a month. They couldn't help me but they, thankfully, got me the referrals I needed to rule things out and get me sorted. In the meantime I started therapy again and I returned to yoga. I bought basically every book on Amazon about raw vegan cooking and juicing. I am caring for me again because I have to. It was either that or jettison myself from life, because what I had had stopped being a life a long time ago. I was angry and scared. I am still angry and scared, but I'm coping and moving forward while I repair the deeply infected wounds from my past.I am living a life of radical honesty now and I am unashamed to share my diagnoses and my struggles, especially if it may help others to pursue healing and vitality in their lives as well. My big, overarching issue is fibromyalgia, a bizarre syndrome of nerve malfunction that puzzles medical professionals, though alternative healers are more likely to take it on and be helpful. I am learning to manage my pain, but that is a whole other post. Seemingly related, I have celiac disease, but my response to gluten got suddenly far more severe and it was tearing my body apart on every level. I can't have any at all anymore, but I'm okay with it. My mom has it too, so we help each other find foods we can eat and there's never been a more convenient time to be gluten intolerant! Even in rural Indiana, my local Kroger is exploding with gluten free options.My extremely enthusiastic and competent urologist diagnosed me as having overactive bladder (easily controlled) and catastrophic pelvic floor dysfunction complicated by fibromyalgia (requiring intensive physical therapy and substantial lifestyle overhauls). If loving my urologist is wrong, I don't want to be right! His commitment to improving lives with a holistic approach to real healing saved my life, along with my therapist's kind and empathetic hand. It was also discovered that my thyroid has been sluggish for a while, but I have found a great combo of natural supplements that are boosting and balancing my endocrine system and getting my systems firing properly again after getting particularly imbalanced from suffering an HG pregnancy. The physical and mental trauma of that horrific pregnancy and the resulting long-term depletion, frankly, shot my body to hell. I am having to re-teach my body everything, from how to eat, sleep, eliminate and hydrate to realigning every bone, muscle and ligament in body in order to sit, walk and stand properly again. And I am doing it all while being full-time stay at home mom to a supernova housed in a toddler body.I have learned so much about myself during this protracted trial. I am a person who deserves to be cherished and loved by me first and foremost. I have survived so much unbelievable trauma that getting out of bed in the morning and keeping my family fed and caring for my child makes me a rock star. I am now my biggest cheerleader instead of looking outside myself for validation. Most importantly, I have learned that my body isn't broken, actually. It is a miracle that has been sending me very clear messages, throwing obvious red flags for most of my life but I've ignored them, assuming it was fundamentally wrong. There is credible evidence to suggest that depression is mostly a result of chronic inflammation, hormonal imbalance and gut toxicity. I am beginning to believe it. I am still searching for a GP that will take fibromyalgia seriously, but I am, at heart, a person of action and a person who trusts my knowledge of my body over anyone else's, so I am pursuing relief on my own. I know that no silver bullet exists, but I am committed to a life of learning, experimentation, growth, healing and joy. This body is my home. I have spent most of my 31 years hoping for a different home, but this is the only one I'm like to get. This blog will now be my documentation of this journey to joy as a chronically ill mom, small farmer, yogi and beautifully damaged person. I'm shining the light of love on myself and walking the path of hope for brighter days.
