Reciprocitea Blog Cayci's Story

*Warning there may be triggering content within the blog that follows.Cayci 2015I believe in a healing process.I believe it is a process I come back to every day. A lot of people know that i have been through so much in my life, but what a lot of people don't know is the depth of what I really had to overcome and that depth, is my biggest secret of all. I've carried a lot of pain around with me for many years. I remember the little girl that I used to be. I felt so lost, completely alone and confused all the time. I endured so much by the time I was seven years old and I would never wish that upon anyone.In the first seven years of my life, I lived in a toxic environment with my mother who struggles from a heroin addiction and her abusive boyfriend at the time. The things that happened in that two story home haunt me. I remember screaming every night with no comfort, my mom rarely spent time with me, she didn't seem to care. When I was upstairs I spent a lot of time alone behind the door of my little pink bedroom. Sometimes her boyfriend wouldn't allow me to come out for periods of time, but thankfully, I would be able to spend some time downstairs where my grandmother lived. My grandmother did all she could for my three cousins and I growing up. She took us under her wing and even though she didn't have a lot she always did her best.Before the age of seven I was molested three time by three different people. I watched people sniff lines of coke on the kitchen table, I watched my mother get pushed around and get strangled to the point she couldn't breathe. I watched her struggle with addiction not even knowing what it was. As I got older and would visit her, I walked in on her self-harming, I walked in on a coffee table covered with spoons and needles and if I wasn't visiting her in jail or rehab I was sitting with her on weekends watching her sleep all day wishing she knew how much I loved her and how much I wanted to feel it back.I always wanted to be with my mom, I oddly thought the world of her regardless of what she put me through emotionally. Watching my mother struggle broke me, she caused me a lot of pain, but I have always loved her unconditionally. I tried to help her get better, I tried to care for her, and I often worried about where she was or what she was doing. She consumed every ounce of childhood that I had, but I stood by her for as long as I could. When I think of her now, I try to remember the few good times we had, like doing arts and crafts or dancing around the living room.On the bright side of my childhood, every Friday night I would visit my grandparents on my dad's side. They gave me the meaning of family, they filled me with love and without them I don't think I would have turned out the way that I did. I only spent one night with them a week, but on that one night I played and danced, watched movies and sang like no tomorrow. They loved and supported me more than I could ever imagine. I believe they were the light in my life to keep me going. I believe they are the reason I made it here today. I just wish I would have told them about what was going on and more about how i was really feeling for so long.When I was nine years old I moved in with my father, my stem mom and her children. It was good for the first few years, but I quickly realized that I was kind of an outsider. Don't get me wrong, we all loved each other, but my father was always more of a father to them than her ever was to me. I rarely say my father, he spent most of his time in his bedroom and as time went on most of our conversations were through his bedroom door. I didn't feel like he was proud of me for my accomplishments in school. I had to find my own rides to soccer practice, he never answered the phone, he was always late for meetings and we never had a sit down dinner together. This is when I began to realize there was a big part of me that was empty. I was overcome with so much sadness all the time, but you would never know. I would come home and hide under my covers. I would try so hard to fit in with my dad and his family, but I just felt like an outsider, a burden, and not wanted there. I was depressed and I still live with depression to this day. For the five years that I lived with him, the thought of the school day ending made me anxious, I dreaded snow days, and I basically did everything not to go home. For years I shoved my feelings down. I pretended to be a happy little girl.When I was thirteen years old, I met my first true love, a love like no other. Yes, we were young, but it was so real. He was a beautiful short blonde haired blue eyed boy. I'll never forget the way our friends set us up. They told me he asked me out when he really didn't, so I looked like a fool when I said "yes" and he said "yes what?" I got so mad at our friends, but he said "It's okay, I want to go out with you."I felt loved in a way I never felt love before, we were attached at the hip and it was almost like a fairytale. He was there with me through the good times and the bad times. neither of us had a lot, but we gave all we had to each other. He never once judged me for the mess that I grew up in, he loved me for me.He put effort into everything and I'll never be able to thank him enough for showing me what true love feels like. No one will ever love me like he did and I will never love anyone like I loved him. We spent three wonderful years together and then at the beginning of sophomore year in high school I broke his heart. I will never be able to tell you how much I regret doing so. I tried to get him back for years after, but I don't blame him for resenting me after hurting him, I only blame myself. A week after I broke up with him I found out I was going to have his baby, but shortly after that I had a miscarriage and no one, and I mean no one knew that until now. I can't even describe the amount of pain I felt. I regret not telling him, but I already hurt him so much that I couldn't. It brings me joy to see from afar how happy he is and how well he is doing now. I began to learn that people come into our lives for certain reasons. He showed me how to love and what it felt like and to not accept anything less.When I was sixteen years old something shifted in me. I had an amazing social worked who believed in me like no other person has ever believed in me. I was sick of not getting my needs met by my parents. I was sick of not being able to rely on anyone and I was sick of living in a place where I felt so unwanted. I left my house for three months and my dad never called me wondering where I was. That proved to me that the way I was feeling wasn't a myth. She helped me learn I was worthy.I decided to go through the legal emancipation process. It's not easy to do and trust me I would much rather have had parents, but my parents wouldn't step up to the plate and I was suffering from their mistakes so I had to advocate for myself.I remember the courtroom like it was yesterday. My social worker stood beside me and my grandparents stood beside me. My mother was there to freely give up her rights. I remember her saying to the judge, "Cayci can take better care of herself more than I will ever be able to." Those word hit me. I was sad and happy at the same time that she did that, because to do that for me and to admit it to herself was a big step.When the judge said, "I hereby grant you emancipation, you are now your own legal guardian" a feeling of freedom rushed through my veins, but for different reasons than anyone may think. I was sad that my parents couldn't take care of me in the way that I needed to be, or didn't seem to want to, but I was happy that I was then free at the moment to just take care of myself and be able to go to the dentist when I wanted to, get food when I wanted to, and to be where I needed to be.From that day on I continued with high school, worked two jobs and I took college classes at night. I stayed with a wonderful family and I received tremendous support from my teachers and classmates. School saved me in the times I needed saving the most.I had to move every year after high school. Sometimes I didn't have a home, sometimes I couch surfed, and I drove around with everything I owned in my car. It wasn't easy, but I can say that so many people have showed me what love is, what a family is, the value of things in life, like sitting around a dinner table, being asked how my day was, and how I was. I had people who wanted to know about me. I have so many caring people in my life that I am so grateful for.About a year ago, I found myself in avery dark place. On the outside I was so bold, but on the inside I was falling apart and I suffered with it silently, but after a while I couldn't shove it down any longer. I didn't feel worthy of life, I didn't feel like I was important or good enough to be here and on the same day I had thoughts of not wanting to be here, I decided to try a yoga class. A week later I joined a yoga teacher training program that helped me live again. The experience could not be described, it was a beautiful and powering gift. That same year I went through a 3-month intensive treatment program for my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Depression, and Anxiety that helped me tremendously. I graduated from college and have worked in many different settings empowering youth over the years. I have had to deal with an autoimmunity condition that got in the way at times, but I have made it out of the mess I grew up in.The biggest thing I have done is digging deep inside myself, opening myself up, tearing myself apart and building myself together again. Learning that what I went through does not define who I am or what I am worthy of. Learning that healing is a process and we are all deserving of it. With love,Cayci.