Reciprocitea Blog 1,000 DAYS

While in an inpatient IRTS facility in 2013.The water begins to build behind my closed eyelids as I slowly breathe in and out in rhythmic repetition begging the building tsunami to dissipate without a trace. My pleas fall silent as the first tears escape the blockade and slowly cascade down my face. I open my eyes and raise them to gaze at my reflection in the mirror. I pause, I take a deep breath; deeper, deeper. The tears are falling faster now, warming my cheeks and as I go to wipe them I remember a line from one of my favorite Ed Sheeran songs, "So don't wipe your eyes. Tears remind you you're alive." So, I let them fall. It's all settling in now.I'm realizing it's real now.I just never thought I'd be here.It's been 1,000 days since: I almost let goI went to that one ERI was an inpatient at that hospital psych wardI started this profound new journey to become who I am nowI last attempted suicideI last self-harmedI just never thought I'd be here.I never thought I would make it through that day.I never thought I would make it through those hospitalizations, or months spent with Intensive Residential Treatment Services (IRTS) facilities, or my time at the state behavioral hospital, or even that awkward I-don't-know-where-I-should-go-or-do-or-fathom after I became independent again for the first time in November of 2014.I never thought I would be able to maintain a job, or go back to college, or start my own website (soon to become small business) while also co-writing and managing on another amazing website that has become a sister site to my own, or that I would be preparing speeches to give on mental health and emotional wellbeing to students within my old high school.I didn't think that I would be a mental health/suicide awareness advocate for my community, or that I would have the opportunity to give a speech to my local city council and watch as my local Human Rights Commissioner and Mayor made it possible to create a proclamation officially recognizing suicide prevention week within my hometown. Honestly, I just didn't think I would be alive... and I am.I attribute my being alive, my still breathing, to one reason. There are many factors that have played roles in supporting that one reason, but there was only ever one reason that was dire enough to make me choose life when I was so ready to let go. I chose to stay for you. For those of you who are so convinced that it is you who will not make it through the day. I chose to stay, so that I might be able to stand with you through your storms and remind you that there is light when all you are surrounded by is darkness.I chose to stay so that I could love you when you only have hatred towards yourself.I chose to stay so that I could encourage you to do the same.I chose to stay because your life matters to me.I chose to stay so that I could reciprocate all of the love, encouragement, and swift-ass-kickings that helped me push through it all. Today, I am celebrating being able to feel these tears as they rush down my cheeks.Today, I am celebrating being able to speak to you about my past and what I have survived.Today, I am celebrating the fact that I had individuals in my life who were willing to stand by me for it all, no matter how hard it was on their emotional well-being.Today, I am crying and laughing and screaming at the top of my lungs because I made it to today. I made it to this moment right now, that might not have been mine. I am here.Today, I am asking you, urging you, and begging you to reach out if you are ready to let go; because it is not your time! Together we can all blossom in our recovery.Sincerely,Tea**PLEASE CALL 1 (800) 273-8255 the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline if you or someone you know is suicidal.