Mango Health Blog 6 Ways to Support a Partner with Chronic Illness

It can hard to be see a loved one fall ill, whether it’s a child that’s come down with chickenpox, or a mother diagnosed with cancer. While knowing how to help can feel like a challenge, it’s especially important if you’re supporting someone with an ongoing health condition. Read about six ways to support a partner with chronic illness from guest writer Mariah Z. Leach, a wife, mother, and writer with rheumatoid arthritis.ALTHOUGH THE DIAGNOSIS IS TECHNICALLY MINE, I INCLUDE MY HUSBAND IN THAT STATEMENT BECAUSE MY CHRONIC ILLNESS HAS HAD A PROFOUND IMPACT ON HIS LIFE AS WELL AS MINE.My husband and I have been living with my diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis for more than seven years. Although the diagnosis is technically mine, I include my husband in that statement because my chronic illness has had a profound impact on his life as well as mine.I have had to learn to adapt and live within my own limitations – but my husband has also had to change his life and learn how to support me. Based on our experiences, and what I’ve learned from other couples facing chronic illnesses, I’ve put together some suggestions for how to support a partner who is dealing with a chronic illness.1. Work As A TeamTo keep your relationship strong in the face of one partner’s chronic illness, try to make sure that you and your partner are always on the same team. One of the best ways to accomplish this goal is to think of the chronic illness as a shared problem, rather than a problem belonging only to one person. For example, if I think of the pain and fatigue of my rheumatoid arthritis as a problem I have to solve on my own, I end up feeling guilty and my husband ends up feeling resentful.Instead, we try to consider my chronic illness a shared problem – and we work as a team to brainstorm strategies for overcoming any issues that arise. Facing the problem together, with a united front, allows us to turn a negative situation into a chance for positive relationship building.DOES YOUR PARTNER NEED HELP WITH HOUSEHOLD CHORES? WOULD THEY APPRECIATE A HANDWRITTEN NOTE OF ENCOURAGEMENT?2. Don’t Keep ScoreIn order to successfully consider one partner’s chronic illness as a shared problem, my husband likes to emphasize the importance of not keeping score. The relationship between a caregiver and the person needing extra care is unbalanced by definition.“Keeping score will only breed resentment,” my husband says. “It’s never going to be even if you list out every little thing. But overall, if you remember to work as a team, it will balance out in other ways.” So rather than looking at the differences between what each partner contributes, try to focus on remembering – and appreciating – the good things each partner brings to the relationship.3. Find Practical Ways To HelpDepending on which chronic illness your partner is facing, there may be practical ways that you can help on a day-to-day basis. For example, I tend to experience the most pain in the morning, so every day my husband makes me a hot cup of tea to help me get moving. To give my hands a break, my husband also takes out the trash and loads/unloads the dishwasher whenever possible.Does your partner need help with household chores? Would they appreciate a handwritten note of encouragement? Attending doctor’s appointments can be another practical way to help. In addition to showing your love and support, you may also be able to help advocate for your partner’s needs or help your partner remember questions or the doctor’s instructions. Even if these tasks seem small and insignificant to you, they will likely mean a lot to your partner.IF THESE DEEP FEELINGS ARE TOO DIFFICULT TO DISCUSS OPENLY, IT MAY HELP FOR EACH PARTNER TO WRITE DOWN THEIR FEELINGS BEFORE SHARING.4. Show Patience and UnderstandingBeing a caregiver to your partner requires a great deal of patience and understanding. It is important to recognize that “fixing it” is not always the right approach, because when it comes to life with chronic illness sometimes there just isn’t a quick or easy fix. In those cases, what your partner really needs is someone to listen and show understanding.5. CommunicateWhile communication is key to any strong relationship, it is particularly important for couples facing chronic illnesses. The ill partner needs to be able to express and convey their pain, but at the same time the caregiving partner needs to be able to express and convey their own frustrations.Both partners are in difficult situations and experiencing valid feelings, so it is important to find a way to express those thoughts to one another. If these deep feelings are too difficult to discuss openly, it may help for each partner to write down their feelings before sharing. If you are still having difficulty communicating with each other, it may be worthwhile to seek the aid of a therapist or counselor. 6. Laugh and LoveWhen all else fails, try to find a reason to laugh together! It may be a cliché, but laughter really can be the best medicine. My husband and I like to be silly with our kids or watch ridiculous YouTube videos or stand-up comedy together. Sharing laughter helps us remember why we love each other in the first place, which helps us find the strength to keep moving forward despite the struggles that we face. Life with a chronic illness doesn’t necessarily get easier, but by facing my illness as a team we both benefit as our relationship grows stronger.About the AuthorMariah Z. Leach is a wife, mother, and writer with rheumatoid arthritis who always tries to keep looking forward. She has written for RheumatoidArthritis.net and for Answers.com, serving as the arthritis expert. She shares her story of motherhood with chronic illness on her blog, From This Point. Forward.Share Your StoryHow do you support your partner, or how does your partner support you? Share your experience with our community on the Mango Health Facebook page.If you liked this post, you may also like:- 6 Myths About Arthritis- “Getting My Diabetes and Fibro Fog Under Control”- 5 Free and Easy Ways to Boost Health The posts on this blog are for information only. They are neither intended to substitute for a relationship with your doctor or other healthcare provider, nor do they constitute medical or healthcare advice of any kind. Any information in these posts should not be acted upon without consideration of primary source material and professional input from one’s own health care providers.