Sometimes I forget who I am and think I have lost things, and then I go looking for them outside myself and that makes me feel miserable and powerless. Like riding around on my horse, looking for my horse. I still do it, even though I know better.One of the sweetest spiritual experiences I've ever had came after a period of silence and intense meditation lasting 9 days. I had a very positive vision of being "empty". I experienced myself as a sacred void, which was a receptacle for all potential attributes and qualities the Universe contains - essentially, an infinity of possibility.Into that space poured everything I chose to be, in each moment. I was blown away to understand what the Buddhists meant by "no self" - a term which had always made me slightly nervous but which turned out to be powerful and peaceful when actually experienced. I realized I was not a "fixed" being. I was a process. I was a dynamic, creative vessel of the Universe's power, reinvented every moment.You'd think an experience like that would prevent me from forgetting ever again (I thought so too, at first) - but the world we live in, with all its trumped-up minutiae and false drama manufactured to cover the fear we're not yet ready to look at... well, it has a way of greying things out over time. Sadly, even miracles.When the pain flares up, it's not a punishment, but a nudge to tell me I've stepped off the path and forgotten something important. If I ignore the nudge, it becomes a poke and then a slap and then a shove. Truth is persistent.Ouch ouch ouch ouch. Ok.For the last few nights my practice has been to remind myself who I am, using the classic Virgo tactic of making lists. I've been writing a list of the qualities I am seeking out in others and affirming that I already possess them. My feeling of lack is causing a lot of suffering right now, so it's important for me to challenge it.I am Trust.I am Respect.I am Appreciation.I am Faithfulness.I am Truthfulness.I am Groundedness.I am Generousity.I am Kindness.I am Softness.I am Pleasure.I am Peace.I am Love.I remember my vows to myself, and I witness myself in my goodness. Only when I witness myself clearly and understand my emptiness and wholeness can I give others the freedom to be who they are. And in that space I can be a witness for all the beautiful qualities in them as well.That's the kind of love I want to have for myself and others, and I affirm to the Universe that I am willing to give up whatever stands in the way of that. I know it's going to hurt but take it, please. I surrender, at least for today.
